Artist | Student | Animator |
But I did.
I'm enrolled on an animation course in London and I earned a scholarship that effectively entitles me to half price university education by writing an essay. I'm in a serious relationship and I have a place in a nice area with nice flatmates. I should be living the dream.
That looks pretty nice written down but my head is a mess. I've attended three lectures over this entire semester. I only leave the house with the aid of copious amounts of Valium in my bloodstream. I've done laundry once since I got here. Things are rotting all around me and my cupboards are down to long lasting staples like spices and dried pasta because I have no motivation to cook and anything else goes off before I can use it. I only eat when my boyfriend brings me food and yet I've gained around 35lb because my depression leaves me basically bed bound.
I'm still not in a gender clinic and my partner is self medicating, I'm debating doing the same. I can't look at myself. I find myself going for weeks without showering properly. This is the least dignified my condition has ever been.
My house is built between a railway and a 40ft deep dock. I'm sandwiched between two perfect opportunities to kill myself. My lifelong friend is pregnant and expecting the baby in February so I'm holding on until then at least, but after that I can't say. I haven't produced any artwork I liked in a long time and I don't think I ever will again. This isn't necessarily a suicide note but given the fact that I don't update here much, think of it as a preemptive goodbye.